You know sometimes you just have to write when you feel like it….

- I think sometimes I can be a real asshole, like walking around with headphones on to avoid conversations with people that I don’t feel like talking to….sometimes I’m not even listening to anything….

- I think there is no better sound than Chaka Khan on Through The Fire…except maybe Whitney Houston in the last 40 seconds or so of I’m Every Woman….

- I think I’m going to utterly dominate at least 2 of the 4 yahoo fantasy leagues I’m a part of this year….

- I think I’m not lacking for self confidence lately….

- I think these dark times me and the homies are going through right now are a precursor to some fucking fantastic shit….just you wait!

- I think if you are missing my musical notes on Facebook you are missing some of my best writing in a long time….

- I think I need to figure out how to import those bad boys to the home base here….

- I think Facebook needs to stop showing me these former crushes on the “people you might know” list….I don’t wanna see her…or her…or her!!

- I think Usain Bolt is kind of scary….

- I think our gymnasts got robbed….

- I think I watched WAAAAAAAAAY more olympics than I planned….

- I think Jo Fenn and Jade Johnson are my two favorite discoveries of the Olympics….to borrow from the late Bernie Mac….CLAUDE have mercy!

- I think I HATE corny dudes….

- I think Twitter is officially my new addiction….

- I think I shouldn’t get my hopes up too high….

- I think it’s hard not to though….my nose is so wide open….

- I think this is a good place to stop….

I write all these things on here, fully aware that one day at some point it’ll all be held against me. I’m brutally honest and I know that there are some out there who only read it for that purpose and maliciously at that. It’s fine. I sort of see it as stealing their thunder a bit.

I realize my candor probably hurts me most in the realm of my personal relationships, because people know “oh he’s gonna blog about this or that for sure”. Partly, they are correct, I do blog when I’m at my most emotional, I’m trying to get out of that. At first it was a good outlet for me, until…well the bad started to outweigh the good.

Now it seems worse, because like, the stats say people come by, but the comments belie that. At least before I knew who was out there, now it seems like I’m playing to a crowd that’s laughing at me as opposed to with me, like Petey Greene on the Tonight Show in Talk To Me (yeah I just saw that yesterday so it’s on my mind).

I feel like that dream where I go to school naked. How did I even get myself into this situation?

Yesterday was probably the most depressing day in a long time and for once it wasn’t all about me. The Meharry “Family” lost a member but it was more than that.

The 800 pound gorilla in the room was awoken in a big way, and yet, I think he remains unnoticed by those who desperately need to see him. To borrow from another parable, it’s like the blind man and the elephant, the problem is alot bigger than they think it is, they just can’t see it.

Depression is real, and medical students get depressed, I speak from experience. I’ve been lucky enough to have had a few lucky breaks along the way, and still, I’ve had my moments where I’ve wanted to just drop everything and create a whole new life for myself. Suicide was never an option for me, but it is one for others. We need to stop acting like our problems are simple and we should just “man up” and get over them. It’s not that simple, we are talking about people who are locked into a career, people who have invested time at the peak of their lives and hundreds of thousands of dollars. There are some who treat that investment like a whim, who distribute grades and recommendations as if there is not a human being affected by it.

Some people say that a physician should “have tougher skin” and “if they can’t handle rejection/failure they are in the wrong field”. Nothing could be further from the truth. A physician SHOULD be a gentle and sensitive soul. Who else can deal with people at their weakest and lowest points with the compassion and empathy they deserve. Who would want a cold, calculating, and callous doctor working on their case? Surely not me. How can we then say that we should be able to cope with potentially life altering situations like failing classes and major exams by ourselves, to just work them through? This is not to say there are not empathetic individuals here at the college because there are, and I have relied on them in the past, but systematically we have been shown in the most egregious manner that they are not the norm!

On another note, I want to talk about the foolhardy notion that black men don’t kill themselves. I’ve seen first hand in the past 4 years that the myth of suicide being a white person’s phenomenon couldn’t be further from the truth. Suicide is a HUMAN problem. We have to get over the taboo and talk about it. We have got to swallow our pride and learn to TALK to people about our problems. We need to learn not to put up with inferiority because it’s what we are used to. We need to complain more and more importantly act on our complaints.

We all hurt….I thought it was ironic when I came home yesterday from that draining ordeal, that the R.E.M. song I referenced in the title was playing. We’re all hurting right now, but now more than ever we need to hold on.

A rose from a perfect (or almost perfect) stranger is corny/kinda creepy right?

I didn’t give it to her….

Today was officially the longest day ever. Just when I thought it was over it kept going and going and going. By the time I got home I was ready to put my foot through a window. I felt like Barry Egan in Punch-Drunk Love.

I need a fucking drink….

So for now, we are going to say that this one was an utter failure and it was pretty much my fault. I dropped the ball. Oh well.

On another note, I’ve had a pretty great day all things considered. I finally got a twitter account yesterday. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it, but I have one and that’s what’s important. I’m well on my way back to the internet elite!

I made a great meal last night…..I took some thinly sliced chicken breasts and marinated them in italian salad dressing and zatarains cajun spice for 2 and a half hours. I started a gallon of water boiling with about a tablespoon of olive oil. Then I placed the slices on the foreman for 6 minutes per piece. I cut them into fajita style pieces and then sauteed some garlic for about 2 minutes. I then added my chicken and some classico sun-dried tomato alfredo sauce. I let that simmer while I boiled my fettucini. Once the fettucini was done I tossed it in the chicken and sauce and let that simmer for a minute or so.

You wanna talk about good….MAN OH MAN!!!

So I watched The Notebook. I can truly understand why so many women love it. It’s a well made movie as romantic dramas go.

For once, the idealized male role was actually, for the most part, realistic. He wasn’t one of those “knight in shining armor” types and he wasn’t the “eventually redeemed” asshole. He was who he was and he had a sense of what he wanted and went after it. If I ever fell in love I’d like to feel like I’d do the exact same thing.

What made the movie work for me however was the fact that the Rachel McAdams character was very realistic as well, until the pivotal moment anyway. She did things to please others. To fit society’s role for her and what her parents would want. She was afraid of hurting others feelings. She resisted so strongly doing what was right ultimately for HER. I also found the predilection to argue and then expect things to work out okay the next day (the big argument after her parents called him trash and other such things) to be pretty realistic.

The moment when he told her, “I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings” was the pivotal moment to me. I think that’s where the movie “jumped the shark” and became what it had to become, a hackneyed tearjerker, but hey they didn’t make the movie for me. If I want that I’ll watch Forrest Gump!

I found it not at all surprising that on the wikipedia entry for the movie, it stated that on the women’s top 50 movies on IMDB this ranks #28 while it doesn’t rank at all for men. I think truth be told alot of guys either didn’t see it, or associate it negatively as one of those movies they were drug to by a nagging significant other.

At least now I can say I’ve seen it, and then offer my typical Killa Cal-esque dissenting opinion on it.

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, but I’m terrified of you
See my castle may be haunted, but I’m terrified of you
I’ve cast my spell on millions, but I’m terrified of you
Baby I do this from the ceiling, but I’m terrified of you”

So I was sitting here listening to my Kast and Dungeon Family Playlist when that song came on and I realized how much it fits me. I best not say any more because you never know is (or more likely isn’t) reading this thing lately.

Anyway, last night I saw Pineapple Express. I don’t know whether I just had high expectations from the other great movies I’ve seen this summer (Iron Man, Indiana Jones, The Dark Knight, and Step Brothers), but this joint was only okay in my opinion. I doubt I’ll get the DVD. It’s no Forgetting Sarah Marshall (Hey another Dracula reference!), but I guess like I said I probably just had high expectations. Darryl from the US version of The Office was probably the funniest character and it was refreshing to see and hear Rosie Perez again though.

On a personal note, this year continues to be terrible for me and the people around me. I pray that things get better. I don’t know what to do at this point. I keep saying its the darkest before dawn, but I swear it keeps getting darker and darker! Dawn can’t come soon enough….

*edited to add*
I just realized that I wrote this whole thing and didn’t take a moment to recognize the passing of one of my favorite comedian/actors, Bernie Mac. He had many, many memorable roles, but for me, the one that will endure is Uncle Vester in House Party 3. He stole the show in that movie and me and my boy Rashard quoted his character all summer long at our first job. Bernie will be missed!

Man it’s been three days since I’ve written anything eh? It seems like longer. Anyway, things are going swimmingly for the old boy.

I’m doing a GI elective that may be just a BIT more than I can chew. I’m learning tons and seeing lots of procedures (liver biopsies, scopes, PEG tubes). You name it, I’m learning all about it. That said, at the end of my day I’m exhausted!

I went to a party on Friday night. I had alot of fun…..yeah I have more to say but I won’t. I’ll just let you wonder what I was about to say.

I had a phone call today from someone who had been on my mind. I’m glad they are cool. I miss them. Maybe they’ll read this, I doubt it though.

I got a haircut today, I feel like a million bucks, maybe I’ll retry that aborted mission from the other night.

..if I didn’t acknowledge the passing of longtime announcer Skip Caray. This has been a terrible year for the Braves (well for alot of people really) and this is just another reminder.

I’ll always have his nasal voice in my head saying, “Here comes Bream! Here’s the throw to the plate! He is…safe! Braves win! Braves win! Braves win! Braves win!”

*sigh*

What can you do?